Allah's gift

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

Lover? Friend? But not both...

We have all seen the movies and all silently thought to ourselves that it was about time she woke up. You know the one that the guy hangs around the girl he’s in love with in the hopes that their friendship will turn into something more. She ignored him throughout three quarters of the movie and then when her heart is broken over some jerk she runs back to her best friend and changes the dynamics of the relationship. Yeah, it was about time she woke up. But what about him? How long did he hang around, waiting for her to notice him?

Real life doesn’t play out like that. Real life isn’t written by someone with commercial interests and thus real life is more likely to slap you with some pretty interesting alternatives. Hanging through the long-winded complaints about how wrong he has treated her and watching her endlessly return to him can be frustrating at best. Why are you doing it? You aren’t all that likely to get the goodies by being a faithful companion. If that’s what she needs, then she needs a pet, not you.

There are plenty of guys who literally place their lives on hold for years while the woman they want passes them over time and time again, appreciating their friendship but never really looking at them as potential for anything more. When a woman first meets a guy she does instinctively know within the first minute or two which category she is filing him into. If you end up filed away in the friendship file, forget it, as you will be stuck there forever. 

Moving on is not always easy, especially if you have been secretly pining over a woman for years. First of all, stop the secrecy. If you are interested in being more than that handy friend that picks up the pieces and cleans up the messes, then just be upfront about it. If she goes into the routine of how much she loves you, as a friend and nothing more then why on earth are you hanging around. Do you really believe that she will one day wake up and realize that she needs you or are you delusional when it comes to the power you think you have. How exactly are you going to make her want you? 

There really is nothing wrong with maintaining friendships with the opposite sex if that is something that you want. However, when and if you start harboring feelings for her and you keep it a secret, you are not really being fair to either one of you. First of all, she is going to treat you differently than she would treat someone she was sexually or romantically interested in. She is going to unknowingly send you signals that you are going to mistake as interest, because that is what you want to believe. She is going to let her guard down, which means she is going to end up feeling betrayed. The situation is only going to go downhill from there. After all, she really believes that you are her friend. 

Confessing to a "friend" that you are developing an attraction is a risk, but "man up" and get it over with. The longer you wait, the longer you are putting your life on hold, the longer you are being in-genuine with you and her, and the longer you are developing sexual fantasies that are less likely to come true the longer you wait. If she isn’t interested in you, and you hang around being her faithful little pet, the more likely it is that you will find yourself being used. You will become her handyman, her shoulder to cry on, possibly her loan department, and everything in her life is all about you. Why demean yourself like that when there are plenty of women out there who can recognize that you are all you’re cracked up to be and would be happy to make you happy? 

Women have a way of knowing when they have the upper hand and many of them aren’t afraid to use it. This leaves a guy hurting pretty bad when he finally wakes up to the realization that he has been used. You have the power to get out of those types of situations and you have the power to refuse to be manipulated like that. If you’re going to choose to play the game, you’re going to have to deal with the consequences. It’s really that simple.

So, how do you get yourself out of it? You have figured it out, you have confessed, and she has turned you down. So now where do you go? It’s really a function of simply moving on. Thank her, or not, for her friendship while it was good, tell her that you aren’t interested in being just friends and so you will have to remove yourself from the relationship. She might think this is weak, but then she isn’t the one fighting off her emotions every time she’s around you. The sooner you get back on the horse, the better. Go out, talk to women, find someone to casually date or just hang out with the guys for awhile. But change the behaviors that kept you running back at her beck and call and move on accordingly. It might sting at first, but over time you will see how cool it is to break out of a one-way relationship. 


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